The Arrival in Tomahna by Corben

Surprised and shocked, perplexed and mystified, I arrived in Tohmana…

Above my head as swift as an arrow, an Eagle circled around the serrated mountains. As I cautiously stepped forward to get a better view my hand touched the ice cold handrail furthermore I could hear the tune of the wind forcing the wind chimes to sing and the leaves to dance. The wind was trying to cool down the desert but the blazing sun was too over powering. I thought to myself “is anybody here?”

When I stepped back to catch my breath, the great green leaves caught my eye. Managing to  survive the pain caused by the sun  they kept hanging there. In the corner of my eye I could see the bench lying sweating because of the great ball of fire hanging in the sky. The pane of glass made a kaleidoscope of colours as a streak of light warmed up the cobbled pavement.

Around the corner was Catherine; acting as springy trampoline for baby Yeesha. Unnoticeably the sand and dust filled my nose blocking out the aroma of the beautiful flowers. In the background mountains were daggers sticking out of the ground. Also it was as if the leaves were water trickling down a fountain.

Cautiously I turned my head to see a mysterious door engraved with magnificent patterns standing there waiting to be opened. Trees like guards were protecting the magic door. I decided to put the door out of its misery and opened it …

By Corben

6T Belle Vue Primary School

Category: Myst III  Tags:
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5 Responses
  1. Adam says:

    Wow welldone Corben this was amazing.

  2. Mitchell says:

    Well done Corben a supurb peice of writing here is what I liked:

    Good openers and adverbs, cautiously
    Good punctuation like !?:; () ” –

  3. Rachel says:

    well done corben! you have the skills to be a professional author .
    I like the use of suspense and atmosphere and your use of brilliant 2 pair sentences

  4. Sophie says:

    Well Done Corben
    Here are my two stars and a wish.
    * Good use of punctuation (… ; ? , ” “)
    * Good use of openers
    Wish:Make sure the words that you choose fit in the scentence

  5. lucy r says:

    Well done corben.
    Here are two stars and a whish
    *Good openers and adverbs
    *Good use of phrases like using Catherine as a trampoline.
    wish:try to use more punctuation.

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