Whats inside?

 

As I stare at this peculiar box under the Christmas tree I begin to wonder what’s inside. Could it be what I have been waiting for? Is it what I put at the top of my Christmas list? I wish I could open it, but it’s not Christmas yet .I can feel excitement bubbling inside me. I don’t know who it’s from. What should I do, wait till Christmas? Or shall I open it when no one’s looking. Slowly I reach out my shaking hand and pull the pink glistening ribbon as I lift up the lid I hear footsteps….

Category: 100WC
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One Response
  1. Mrs Neale Team 100WC says:

    Liam, this is a super post for the 100WC. You have very successfully built up the tension in your story using rhetorical questions, allowing the reader in to the thoughts of your main character.

    I love the way that you have used different ways to begin your sentences – this too adds interest for me as the reader. Short ‘sentences’ can be used for effect too, for example – Slowly. Silently. Carefully.

    Perhaps including alliteration or similes could also have been includes to make your super writing even better.

    Thank you for sharing you story, I really enjoyed reading it.
    Keep up the reading and keep up the writing!
    Merry Christmas!

  2. Mr Foster (Team 100WC) says:

    Dear Liam,

    I love the way you have used rhetorical questions and an elipsis, to build up the tension in your story. All I want to know is WHAT HAPPENED NEXT???

    A great short story.

    Mr Foster – Shrewsbury International School Bangkok

    http://blogs.shrewsbury.ac.th/year4blog/

  3. Mrs Hopkins says:

    Hi Liam
    What a great piece of writing!
    * – all the questions build up the tension very effectively
    * – I love how you’ve left it with the sound of the footsteps!
    W – you were just a little bit careless with the punctuation right at the end.

  4. Mr Foster (Team 100WC) says:

    Dear Liam,

    I really enjoyed your 100 word challenge. The way you used rhetorical questions to build up the tension was excellent and the elipsis at the end was fantastic. I will show this to my class as we are trying to write with tension at the moment/

    Mr Foster – Shrewsbury International School Bangkok

    http://blogs.shrewsbury.ac.th/year4blog/

    • Daniel says:

      What an honour to get a comment like that especially of a teacher Liam you should be very proud of yourself.

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